Well Everett is taking his glorious afternoon nap so I thought I would write a little blog while the boys were watching their show.

I was recently browsing through some heels online and I figured I would share some. I know this isnt going to be interesting to everyone who reads this blog, but Im gonna do it anyway. Because Im good enough, Im smart enough, and doggone-it people like me!

The first thing is a pair of heels that I could picture myself wearing with anything!! Except maybe a pair of sweatpants, but who knows, I could start a new trend. Rolled up sweat pants and some hot high heels!! I would call it trailer chic!

http://www.punk.com/1370152.html

I think its because they are sparkly!! And the hot pink and black helps too.

I also have been trying to find a swimsuit that is a "pinup" style. I think because you dont have to look like a waif to wear one. Now that Ive had kids, whenever I come within 100 feet of a swimsuit store I break out in hives, sweat profusely, and have a sudden urge to find a large rock and hide under it. So needless to say Ive had the same bathing suit for about four years now. Sad I know.

But I love love love this one! And the fact that its in red makes it even better. I picture myself laying on the beach with my hair pulled back in a cute bandana, sipping on a mint julep and wearing my fire engine red lipstick. In what world this scenario would ever exist who knows, but a girl can dream!

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/retro-halter-swimsuit-one-piece.html

This one is a very close second!

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/sailor-bikini-top.html

Last but not least I have always wanted the "little black dress" but have never been that fond of black clothing. I dont know why, I just dont like it for myself. I feel so bored in it. So I am always looking for something that could replace it. Something with lots of color (or sparkle, since God knows if I was born a man I would have been a drag queen!). So this is one that I found that I love love love

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/dixiefried-paris-dress-pink.html

Well theres Everett, awake and crying....back to reality ;)

Dreams

Sometimes when I have a dream that seems real to me it gives me this sort of "life means more than we know" feeling. I once had a dream where I had traveled to India. While I was there I was traveling through a vast desert of nothingness. It wasnt a brutal desert like you see in the movies. It was more of a cool sort of thing. Not to hot or uncomfortable. I hadnt seen anything for miles and then all of the sudden a scene emerged. I came across what looked like a school. The buildings were all a washed out sort of aqua color, but nothing was elaborate or decorated. It was just the walls with open doorways (no doors) and a light peaceful breeze was blowing through empty concrete like rooms. The whole atmosphere was "breezy". It was like I had arrived at the quietest place on earth. When I came into the area where the building was I noticed three or four yogis sitting on these low to the ground fabric swings. They were all very tall but the yogis sat only an inch or two from the ground in them. They were all in some kind of meditation. All very quiet and still.

The dream never went much further than that, but it was one of those dreams that you feel every emotion and see everything in it like it really is happening, and you wake up feeling like it really did happen. It was a wonderful dream because it was so peaceful. And I have always wanted to somehow get back to that place. Then I started to think that place was in my soul, and although chaos and constant noise may always surround me, I can find that place within my being. When I get overwhelmed sometimes I visualize that scene and I am instantly relaxed.

What reminded me of that dream was a site that I was looking at that was showing indoor swings. Swings that you put in your house or apartment and just sit and relax in them. I wasnt really aware that they existed but now I really want one!!

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/dc/inspiration/inspiration-gallery-indoor-swings-138557

A thought

I am sitting here in a quiet room wondering what to put into this blog entry. I know that writing always makes me feel better and its not very often that I can actually sit down in a quiet space and take the time to do it. So I will just start with things that Ive been thinking about lately.

The other day I was driving the boys to school and a thought occurred to me. It was one of those thoughts that goes in and out quickly, just slow enough that you catch it, but to fast to hold onto the emotion and excitement of it for to long.

Lately I have been thinking about the spiritual part of our lives. I grew up in a church environment and had a lot of scriptures pumped into me. I never questioned anything when I was younger because it was what it was. When I asked a question I got an answer. My mother never answered me in a "I'm not sure" sort of way. I would ask "why is the sky blue" and she would somehow in seconds find a scripture in the bible that would answer the very question I was asking. So I never questioned it because to me it was always my truth.

When I got a little older I started feeling a little complacent with certain "church" related things. I didn't want to hear an answer that had to do with the bible, I was way to lazy to get up and go to church on Sunday, and I started thinking about boys. Then when I got even older, 21 to be exact, my mother passed away. I am not going to be writing about those emotions today, because those emotions could fill a book. But I will say I questioned everything about this "God". Why would he take MY mother, the one who was kind to everyone and followed him with every fiber of her being, and leave other people like rapists and murderers to walk on this earth (some of them until they die of old age). That hardly seemed fair to me, and it hardly seemed like something a loving and caring God would do. So if that was the case he must not exist.

I moved away from her (physically and mentally) and I did what I wanted to do. For the next few years I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Without anyone to tell me to slow down or take it easy. I lived like I was determined to have fun and to beat myself up while I was having it.

But while the years went on, it started to get boring. It got to the point where I felt I was ready to start searching for something more. I had a lot of questions, some of which are still unanswered, and I suspect will probably never be answered. Some of my questions I answered for myself though.

One of these "days" that I had some idea floating around in my head that I couldn't quite get out. I remember I was living in Savannah, and I had dropped a friend off at the airport. I was driving down the highway in my truck and I started to cry. I say cry, but sob would be a little more accurate. I felt so utterly alone in that moment, and in my life. I felt an overwhelming emptiness that I would never want to feel again. At the same moment that emotion flooded my body something else happened. I felt, not physically but almost like an energy, my mothers hand on my right shoulder. It was the brightest, most comforting thing I have ever felt, besides having one of my children next to my heart. It was like a warmth radiated from my arm and into my whole body. I knew, somehow, that it was her telling me I was going to be ok. My entire body relaxed and I felt peace. From that day I knew that my body was my shell and inside was my spirit. I haven't felt my mother again like that, but I haven't felt that same despair either.

So my thought while I was driving the boys to school was this. I thought, what if all this world is, is a sort of test. Are we worthy enough to make it to the next round? Maybe we are here to be the best kind of being we can be, and to be kind and compassionate to the other beings here. And those who don't pass the test don't get to see what all the work was for. But I don't know, maybe they get to try again? It was an interesting

thought.

Confrontation

Guilty pleasures. Im not talking about the kind that get you arrested or pregnant. Im talking about the kind that you have to hide for fear of becoming a social leper. I am going to confess something. I love love love the Real Housewives. I don't know why. Ok thats a lie, I know exactly why! They get to live the lives that most people don't. They have money, some of them have looks, and drama. The money I would like, but only enough to live comfortably, not enough to develop a drug and alcohol problem. The looks are achieved by having money to pay for the expensive makeup that covers up flaws (and sometimes money cant even fix those). But the drama!! Oh the drama! Now wouldn't that be exciting?! I don't know what it is about drama, but most people crave it. I like to say I don't, but in reality I like the kind that doesn't affect me. I like to fantasize about telling someone that I secretly cant stand to be around my true feelings and watch their reaction as they play the unsuspecting victim. So why don't I? Well, I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I would feel great at the moment, but the second I saw some injured look I would do everything to try and comfort the person that I tore down. So what is the difference between them and me (The housewives of course)? Well I am not insecure enough to feel the need to Lord myself over someone else so that I feel bigger.

Have you ever had a friend that constantly walked away from a fight? Did you think, why doesnt that person stand up for themselves? Well that is me. I avoid conflict almost every time it arises. But here is how I feel about it.

I definitely have the "balls" to tell someone how I fell and, most of the time, I will win in an argument (from sheer stubbornness). I do, however, feel that most issues are resolved without someone "winning". If you really think about it, what would be gained from winning a fight?

I will give you an example. Someone, we'll call him Ernie, is having a conflict with someone else, we'll call Burt. Ernie is upset because Burt accidentally tripped him while they were crossing each other on a sidewalk. Now Ernie gets mad at Burt because he wants to play victim and starts saying things like "what the hell man, cant you see Im trying to walk here" Or "dont you watch where youre going?" And if Burt feels verbally attacked he might attack back. Would it solve anything? NO!! It would just make both parties feel like a victim. But, in most cases playing the victim feels great. You now have a reason to feel insecure. You now have someone else to blame all your negative self image issues on. Even if you are not aware thats what youre doing. I could just imagine how each person would think.

Ernie -"I can't believe what a jerk that guy is. Im ALWAYS considerate when I pass someone on the street. He didn't even have the decency to apologize, he just got out of hand. I am right"

Burt_"what an asshole!! I didnt do anything to that guy and he feels the need to attack me. Well Im not gonna take that. I am right"

Is either party really right? They feel within themselves that they are not worth what they really are so they think that everything is a personal attack. "I am overweight and he thinks Im a slob so he did it on purpose" or " I am not as attractive as that younger girl so she got a drink first, well if I were in my twenties again she would never get a drink before me".

When in reality, most people are going about their daily routines not giving you a second thought. Most people arent out to get us. And if they are then why not walk away from them, because secretly they are attacking you to feel better about themselves. So they can be right and you can be wrong, and they win.

I understand that there are instances when you shouldnt back down. When it is necessary to fight back or stand up for something or someone. But most of the time, it just causes drama. Think about when you stub your toe. It hurts, you cuss, you are in a bad mood for the next two hours, all because the thing you stubbed your toe on was out to get you.

Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away and let it roll of your back.

Motivation

Isn't it a nice thought that your butt that has made a permanent impression in the left couch cushion may one day get up and do some real exercise. Not just the daily movements that you convince yourself is exercise. You know when you think "well I have been chasing my kids around all day, and I did have to walk up and down the stairs to the apartment twice today so I'm sure that burned at least 200 calories". Well I don't know why I tell myself that when I want to feel better about not feeling better, but I do. And it never works. As much as I try to trick myself into thinking I can lose weight by eating one less oreo and only two pieces of bacon (instead of half of the pack!) I just can't. When I was twenty one I could go a week without soda, and by only doing that Id lose five pounds. Now If I tried that I guarantee Id gain at least three.

Today I didnt get out of my pjs until around three in the afternoon. Now before you jump to conclusions and start judging me, (because in my mind everyone is secretly judging me) It doesnt happen that often that I leave my pajamas on all day, and if I want I can, so there. But on the other hand, I really dont want to get into a routine of not getting dressed. I made that mistake when Manny was a newborn, and I slowly started to realize that the less I get dressed the more pimples I get on my face. I dont really know what the correlation is, but somehow they're related.

I have been finding it hard to motivate myself to get into shape recently. I do all the things youre supposed to when you want to lose weight and become a healthier person. I bought a workout video, new workout clothes and shoes and made sure I had enough time in my schedule to make it work. So whats the problem?? Well the alarm! Off it goes at six and I swear the only thing I can do is tell myself that five more minutes wont make a difference in the amount of time it takes to work out, shower, dress, get the kids dressed, and make it out the door. Then I wake up again at seven thirty panicking and repeating the mantra "shit, shit shit". I know the cursing is bad, but it does help when you need an outlet for your mental state of panic. So it goes, for about six months, occasionally working out and buying a power bar once a month for breakfast, before deciding that it just wasn't the right program for me after all. Oh look, the YMCA is offering yoga classes for only 30 bucks a session!!

Wine

So Id like to take a few minutes to talk about my recent obsession. Its called boxed wine and it has made my evenings a little more enjoyable. That's not to say that they weren't before (OK they weren't, but that's just because I wasn't relaxing enough). So I recently discovered this "magic elixir" a couple months ago when my sister was in town for a visit. I usually have a glass every other night, but I cant have it to often because of how much it costs me. Jennifer and I did some grocery shopping when she got here, and as I reached for the small fifteen dollar bottle of Pinot Grigio, she stopped me. "No no no Ruth, just get the boxed stuff" she said.

"But its gross" I replied. She then informed me, yes it may be "gross" but its sweet and cheap and you can afford it. She was right, it was gross. But After drinking it for a few nights in a row, I grew to love this horrible factory made, walmart stocked, crisp white. I thought, "its not that bad." Then a few nights later I thought, "Its pretty good." Then a few nights after that i thought "I need something for the knots in my stomach that have me writhing with pain." But then, even fewer nights after that I thought " I can get used to this. I don't really get a buzz, but I'm sure its bad for me, so what the hell". As long as its cheap.

I did enjoy it a little more in small amounts and plus the box I bought three months ago will probably last me till the kids are in college and it was only 13 bucks! So if your feeling in the mood for a nice glass of smooth Pinot Grigio or a warm glass of Pinot Noir, don't go for the boxed stuff. But if your in the mood for something a little closer to Cold Duck but not quite that redneck, try the Franzia Crisp white, curl up on the couch in your favorite moomoo, and turn on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, because you'll still be classier than those dames!!

So Quick

Well its been a while since Ive blogged (I think every blog I write starts out that way). Ben and the boys decided to camp out in the living room tonight, so I was watching tv, with them sleeping on the floor all curled up in sleeping bags, wondering what I was going to do. So I figured Id write a new blog.

We went to Concord today to run a few errands, and picked up a crib for Everett. I decided to set it up and let Ben hang out with the kids.....which was more work?! Not setting up the crib. But as I was putting it together I couldnt help but think about how quickly the last three and a half months have gone. I seems like it was just yesterday that I was feeling those labor pains at five in the morning. Its amazing how quickly it goes. Then on the other hand, when your in the midst of it, living in the chaos of it all, it seems like its never going to stop, and that youre never going to have a quiet moment to yourself again. Now Everett is three and half months, going on four, and its just keeps rushing by. I try to think about that when the walls are closing in on me, but sometimes its hard to enjoy the moment when all you want to do in the moment is rip your hair out. As my hormones even out I am starting to enjoy these early years more and more. I am starting to realize, as Manny is getting ready to start his second year of preschool, that He will never be home with me full time again. Next year will be kindergarten and the year after that he goes to school all day. So Im starting to enjoy the age Everett is right now.

Ive always had a hard time with the boys when they were still in the infant phase. Just because it breaks my heart to hear them cry and not always know how to fix it. But as Manny gets older its starting to slowly sink in that I wont have them forever. Theyre going to grow up and become their own people. So Im kind of hanging on to Everett (which I hear happens with the baby of the bunch) because this will be our last one.