Toadstool Potholder

I love anything with mushrooms, strawberries, mice, or gnomes!  So I decided I wanted to try to write a pattern for a toadstool potholder, since eventually Id like another kitchen with lots of strawberries and other garden goodies (i.e. toadstools)  So here is the pattern!  For free, no less!!

Materials
I hook 5.5mm
1 skein of red worsted weight yarn (A)
1 skein of white worsted weight yarn (B)
small amount of green for the grass (C)
Yarn darner for sewing ends of yarn in

With A Chain 13
1. hdc in third chain from hook and all the way across (11) ch2 turn
2. 2hdc in first space, hdc in next 9 spaces, 2 hdc in last space (13) ch2 turn
3. 2hdc in forst space, hdc in next 11 spaces, 2 hdc in last space (15) ch2 turn
4. 2hdc in first space, hdc in next 13, 2 hdc in last space (17) ch2 turn
5. 2hdc in first space, hdc in next 15, 2hdc in last space (19) ch2 turn
6-13. hdc across, ch2 turn (19)

Break off A
 
Attach B on the 5th hdc of the bottom of the mushroom cap you just created
1. hdc in next 11 spaces, ch2 turn (11)
2-7. hdc across, ch2 turn (11)

Break off B attach C
1. hdc across (11)

Break off C attach B

With B Single Crochet all the way around the entire mushroom until you reach the point where you started, making sure to add an extra sc at each corner so it doesnt bunch. Break off and weave in ends. Set aside.

For the back
with white (or whichever color you choose for your back) follow same exact pattern for mushroom above, but with only one color, leaving a tail long enough to sew your two mushrooms together.  I usually leave more than I think I will need, just to be on the safe side.

*When single crocheting around entire mushroom, chain 7 when you get to the middle top of the mushroom and reattach with a slip stitch in same space.  This will give you a ring to hang your potholder.

For circles on mushroom
With white (C)

Large circle-make 1

chain 2
6sc in first chain (6)
2 sc in each sc around (12)
leave a long tail for sewing onto mushroom

small circle-make 2
Chain 2
6 sc first chain
attach to first sc with slip stitch, leave a long tail for sewing onto mushroom

When you have your circles, sew them onto the red part of your mushroom, weave in ends.
Place the two mushrooms parts together right sides facing outward, and sew around with the long tail you left on the white mushroom, taking care to keep the mushrooms lined up.  Weave in tails.

Voila!  A toadstool potholder!!

Please feel free to ask me ANY questions regarding this pattern.  Hope you enjoy it!

Ribbed Winter Hat

Here is a pattern I came up with for a hat for my husband. I love crocheting hats but lets be honest, they dont always look great on men. I love the knit look but I have yet to learn to knit, probably in part because I love to crochet so much. So here is my pattern for a "knit style" crocheted hat. Its obviously crochet but has that ribbed, albeit chunky, knit look. I used two colors, which is totally my own preference, it would work fine with one. So here goes!!

Materials needed

1 skein of Stitch nation full o sheep yarn in Honeycomb

1 skein of Stitch Nation full o sheep yarn in black (although this pattern would work fine with any worsted weight yarn)

size J 6.00 crochet hook

yarn needle

*Gauge isnt really important since hat stretches to fit most adult size noggins

*Please note: This pattern is worked in back loop only but the FIRST and LAST stitch of EVERY row is worked in both loops for stability.

Chain 41

1. Sc in second chain from hook and all the way across, chain 1

2-72. Sc in back loop only all the way across, chain 1

Leave a long tail for weaving hat together and sewing ends in

When you have finished with all the rows put the two ends together so you have a long tube. Using your hook sc all the way across connecting the two longer ends. You should end up with a tube.

Using your yarn needle and the tail you left to finish off, weave tail in and out of the top of the tube until you come all the way back around to where you started. Pull tightly on the tail to close the tube. Tie off and sew in ends. This should leave you with a scrunched looking top to the hat.

on the open end of the tube, using your contrasting color, attach and sc all the way across, weaving ends in and tying off.

Make a pom pom for the top with the contrasting color and attach to top of hat. Voila!!!

If you are not sure how to make a pom pom, I posted an instructional video from youtube (which is not mine) on the sock monkey hat pattern.

Hope you enjoy and Happy crocheting!!!

Pieces for a piggy hat!

So next on my pattern list are the PIECES for a piggy hat. I capitalized pieces because its not an actual hat pattern, but the pieces that you sew onto an already made hat to create a pig hat.

You can find my pattern for a basic earflap hat here http://ruthmcneilsblogging.blogspot.com/2011/11/basic-hat-with-earflaps-i-had-request.html

So for this hat you want to use a soft pink for the main color and either a darker pink or white for the accent color (i.e. the border of the hat)

Materials

Size H 5mm hook

pink and white yarn

yarn needle

black yarn

Ears (make 2)

chain 8

1. Sc in second chain from hook and all the way across, chain 1 turn

2. Sc all the way across, chain 1, turn

3. Sc 2tog, sc all the way across

4-8. repeat row 3

Fasten off and leave long tail for sewing

Eyes (make 2)

with black chain 2

6 sc in second chain from hook, slipstitch into first sc and tie off, leaving a long tail for sewing

with white chain 2 (this piece is worked in the round

1. 6 Sc in second chain from hook

2. 2 Sc in each stitch around, place stitch marker in first sc of round

3. 2 Sc in next sc, place stitch marker in first sc of round, sc in next stitch, repeat until you reach stitch marker, fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing.

*Eye assembly- sew black "pupil" onto the white of the eye, this becomes your full eye. I placed my pupil at the bottom of the white, but I just liked the way it looked. You could even make it cross eyed for a silly pig!

Nose (worked in rounds using a stitch marker)

with pink

Chain 2

1. 6 sc in second chain from hook

2. 2sc in each sc around (place stitch marker in first sc of the round)

3. 2 sc, sc, repeat around

4. Sc blo in each stitch around

5. Sc in each stitch around, fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing

*with two pieces of black scrap yarn, tie "nostrils" to the front of the nose, leaving the tail inside so its hidden when you sew piece onto hat.

*When sewing nose on stuff with scrap yarn to make sure it doesnt go flat

And there you have it! Have fun with it too! Add a red bow or eyelashes to the piggie to make her more feminine!

Happy Crocheting!

Bear Hat

Here is a basic pattern for the pieces that attach to a bear hat. First you will need the pattern for the basic earflap hat which you can find here http://ruthmcneilsblogging.blogspot.com/2011/11/basic-hat-with-earflaps-i-had-request.html

Then you will need yarn for the colors of the bear. I did a polar bear because my son loves them. But if you did brown with black instead of white and black you have a brown bear....voila!

Materials

Hook size H 5mm

Worsted weight yarn in white (or brown)

Worsted weight yarn in black

NOTE* This is a pattern for pieces that you sew on. Not a hat pattern

Ears (make 2)

Chain 2

1. Sc 6 in first chain, working in rounds use stitch marker
   
2. 2 sc in each stitch around (using stitch marker)
   
3. *2 sc in next stitch, 1 sc in next* repeat around
   
4. Sc around
   
5. Sc around
   
6. Sc around Fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing

*When sewing on ears you will be folding them so they for a sort of cup. The bottom of the ears that you sew onto the hat are the open end of the ears.

Eyes (make 2)

With black Chain 2

1. In first chain Sc 6 Attach to first sc fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing

Nose

With black chain 2

1. 6 Sc in first chain, Break black and join white, working in rounds use stitch marker

2. *Sc in first stitch, 2 sc in next, repeat from * all the way around

3. Repeat row 2

4. Sc around

5. Repeat round 4 fasten off and leave a long tail for sewing

**If you want a larger nose just add an extra row of sc....or for a wider nose add an increasing row

Sew all pieces onto hat in appropriate places and there you go!! Happy Crocheting!!

Basic Hat with earflaps

I had a request recently to write a pattern for some animal hats. I love doing animal hats and have done enough that it wasnt too hard a request. The hat pattern is always the same so I figured I would write the hat pattern and then the "parts" of the hats in seperate entries. That way I dont have to keep writing out the hat. The earflaps and braids on these hats are optional and are totally what you prefer. I love the earflaps though, so most of my hats have them!

Supplies

Size H 5mm hook

Any worsted weight yarn

Yarn needle

Chain 2

6 SC in first Chain space

2 SC in each SC around

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next, 2 SC in next SC space continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next two spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, 1 SC in next three spaces, *2 SC in next SC space, 1 SC in next 4 SC spaces, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next five spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next six spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next seven spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next eight spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next nine spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next ten spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next eleven spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next twelve spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next thirteen spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

SC around

SC around

Break A and fasten B

SC around

Break B and Fasten C

SC around until you have a total of 35 rows from top to bottom ( if your head is smaller or larger, add or subtract rows)

Break C and tie off. Weave in ends

Ear flaps: make two

Chain 15

SC in second chain from hook and all the way across

SC2TOG, SC across, CH 1, turn

*Continue this pattern until you have 1 SC space left, SC in last space

SC all the way around the earflap, leave a long tail for sewing, You will end up with a tail at the bottom of your earflap, what I do is weave it through so the tail comes out of the end of the top and I then use the tail to attach the ear flap onto the hat

For the braids that come off of the earflaps I take six long pieces of yarn (approx. about twenty inches give or take) and pull them through the last sc space on the bottom of the earflap. I then braid them down until I get the desired length I want and tie them off (tightly) with a smaller piece of yarn of the same color. then trim the bottom so the fringe is about 1 1/2 to 2 inches long.

Coffee Cozy

Tomorrow night a bunch of us girls are getting together for a learn to crochet + wine night. Should be a lot of fun! I was trying to find an easy beginner pattern to use, and became very frustrated after looking and looking and coming up with ......nothing! So I decided to write my own pattern. I made these coffee sleeves last year and I used mine every time I went to Starbucks or DD. They are much nicer than the disposable ones they give you, and they cut back on waste, AND they are super easy to make. I usually like to do my sleeves I use with ribbing but since this is a starter pattern I figured the easiestway to do it would be a simple easy sleeve done in single crochet. So here it is....enjoy!!

Materials needed

Size H / 5 mm crochet hook

worsted weight yarn, in any 2 colors

A being the main color (mine was a pink)

and B being the accent color ( I used cream)

yarn darner

3 buttons

Needle and thread

Chain 12

Rnd 1 SC in 2nd ch from hook and all the way a

cross chain 1 turn - 11 stitches

Rnd 2 SC all the way across

Rnds 3-36 repeat round 2 break off A

Round 19 attach B ch 1 sc across do not turn

sc all the way around entire coffee sleeve adding an extra sc in each corner

with right side together and forming a ring, slip stitch the two ends together break off and weave in all ends

(I like the way the raised edge of the slip stitch looks on the outside of the sleeve, if you prefer the flat side as your "right side" just sew the buttons on the flat side)

sew your buttons vertically near your B color

voila!

Button up neck cowl

Button up neck cowl

Skill Level: Experienced Beginner

Materials: Lion Brand Wool Ease Thick & Quick - I used Glacier

Size K hook 6.5 mm

4 Buttons of your choice

Yarn darner

Needle and thread

Abbreviations : DC double crochet

BL back loop

FL front loop

Neck Cowl

Chain 40

1. dc in 2nd chain from hook and all the way across, chain 4, turn

2. dc all the way across in bl only, on first and last stitch dc in both loops, it will be the same for the entire pattern, chain 2, turn

3. dc across in fl only, chain 4, turn

rows 4, 6, 8- repeat row 2

rows 5, 7, 9- repeat row 3, fasten off and weave ends in.

the chain four spaces will provide the button holes for the cowl. Sew buttons on where the holes will line up.

**If you need the cowl to be a little larger to fit around your neck more loosely, just add two stitches to your chain 40, or however many you feel will accommodate the size you need.

Family

So I have been missing my family so much lately. Obviously not my kids and husband, because they are right here. Two of which are sleeping on the couch because they both fell asleep watching a movie. But, my sisters and a few others. I have been having a hard time the last few weeks knowing that I cant just get in the car and go visit them. Its funny, because when youre little they are the cause of all your headaches, and when you are grown they are the few people you can count on to always love you and be there for you, no matter what youve done or who you are.

I am so glad that my kids have each other to love when they are older and we are gone. I can see it when they play. I watch them and think of myself when I was younger and how I related to my siblings. Finnegan finds a nice shiny toy to play with and Manny swoops in and takes it, leaving Finn crying (or biting, you never know which one your gonna get with Finn). Or when I am showing someone other than Everett affection and he feels the need to scream and push whoever is in my lap out of it. But all that will eventually turn into support and kindness, I hope. I know it doesnt always work out that way, but Im hoping the strong bond I have with my sisters is genetic ;).

One of the things that triggered this "emptiness" of sorts, is finding out that my youngest sister is going to have a baby! What could be anymore exciting than that? Twins? Lets hope for her sake that theres only one bun in the oven. Otherwise Im buying her a lifetime supply of tylenol and kleenex. She will make such a wonderful mother, wether she knows it or not yet. It has been instilled in us since we were little how important family is, and how we need to stay close and connected. Which is one of the reasons its so hard for me to be away from them.

I want my kids to know their kids, and I want to babysit for them, and have wine with them, and go shopping with them. We have to much of a bond to be so far apart. But, alas, this is the case for us. What to do about it? I guess for now I will just have to keep them on the phone for hours at a time, making them listen to me tell them about what Everett had for dinner, and how Finnegan was trying to ride the cat like he was a horse, or how Manny talked for eight straight hours about Bumblebee and Optimus Prime.

I miss them, but I also know that no matter how far apart we are, or how long we go without talking on the phone, we will never loose the love we have for each other, or the strong bond we share thanks to our Mother. Love you guys!!

Damaged

Who wants something thats broken,

thats scarred and beaten and hurt,

Who loves anything damaged,

thats been kicked and thrown in the dirt,

Everything in you is screaming

for love and affection and care,

but who wants to take on the challenge

of putting this thing in repair

I will take you in my arms

and hold you to my chest

until the bitterness floats away

and the pain is laid to rest

I will love you with all that I have

and wrap you in warmth and care

because I have been broken and damaged

and I am still breathing this air

D

I would like to cry I woul like to shout close the door but keep me out. Keep those demons locked away, bring them out another day. A day when I can watch them die, watch them sizzle watch them fry. Watch them breathe their last bit of air , watch them writhe with pain they can't bear. Pain I fought to keep away, now those demons have to pay, for making me feel less than real, anger is my daily meal, I'm done with you, I accept who I am, even if I'm less than a "win." Give me my dignity, I want if now, and bow to me like the sacred cow, cause I'm the goddess worth more than gold , don't try to make another mold, I'm me, I'm she, I'm one of a kind, so respect me for my beautiful mind.

Sock Monkey Hat- Adult size

So I have been crocheting these sock monkey hats and they seem to be well received. A friend of mine who crochets was interested in making one, and I have been wanting to experiment with actually writing out a pattern, so heres my chance. This is my first pattern that Ive written out, so if you try it and have questions or get stuck on something feel free to ask me and I will gladly give you all the help that I can. I ocasionally use patterns, but I usually just do what feels right or what looks good, so this should be interesting!! Good luck!

Sock Monkey Hat

Adult Size

Materials Needed:

Size H hook 5mm

Red worsted weight yarn-for the pom pom on top

Lion brand Vannas Choice in Oatmeal-Color A

Lion Brand Vannas Choice in Barley-Color B

*You can use any worsted weight yarn of your choice if you prefer a different look

Two black buttons-preferably with two holes for sewing on (they look better than four holes)

This hat is worked in rounds and place is kept with a stitch marker

Chain 2

6 SC in first Chain space

2 SC in each SC around

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next, 2 SC in next SC space continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next two spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, 1 SC in next three spaces, *2 SC in next SC space, 1 SC in next 4 SC spaces, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next five spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next six spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next seven spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next eight spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next nine spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from*

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next ten spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next eleven spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, * 1 SC in next twelve spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

2 SC in first SC space, *1 SC in next thirteen spaces, 2 SC in next SC space, continue from *

SC around

SC around

Break A and fasten B

SC around

Break B and Fasten C

SC around until you have a total of 35 rows from top to bottom ( if your head is smaller or larger, add or subtract rows)

Break C and tie off. Weave in ends

Ear flaps: make two

Chain 15

SC in second chain from hook and all the way across

SC2TOG, SC across, CH 1, turn

*Continue this pattern until you have 1 SC space left, SC in last space

SC all the way around the earflap, leave a long tail for sewing, You will end up with a tail at the bottom of your earflap, what I do is weave it through so the tail comes out of the end of the top and I then use the tail to attach the ear flap onto the hat

For the braids that come off of the earflaps I take six long pieces of yarn (approx. about twenty inches give or take) and pull them through the last sc space on the bottom of the earflap. I then braid them down until I get the desired length I want and tie them off (tightly) with a smaller piece of yarn of the same color. then trim the bottom so the fringe is about 1 1/2 to 2 inches long.

Pom-Pom

Create a pom pom using whatever technique you prefer and attach to the top of the hat, the bigger the hat the bigger the pompom should be. I included a video if you need instructions on the pompom ...hopefully the link will take you there if not, just youtube how to make a pompom.

Mouth

with Color A

Ch 10

SC in second chain from hook and all the way across do not turn

working all the way around SC around

in last ch space 2SC

SC 2 in first SC

SC in next 8

2SC in next 2 spaces

SC in next 9 spaces

join, leave a long tail for sewing mouth onto hat

attach Red to middle of mouth and SC through middle for a mouth slit....I use 8 SC stitches Fasten off and weave in ends

Ears

Make two

Ch 2

4 SC in first Chain space

Ch 3

TRC in first SC

2 TRC in next 2 spaces

TRC in last space, chain 3, join to last SC space, leave long tail for sewing ears on

Assembly

Obviously you want to center all your pieces so it looks good on your head!

You will want to use a yarn darner to sew all pieces on the hat, except the eyes which you will use a regular needle and black thread.

Attach the earflaps about 7 inches apart in the front and about 6 inches apart in the back. I usually attach the earflaps first and center the mouth and eyes and ears according to the where the earflaps are.

Sew the monkey ears just below the red yarn on that goes across the upper part of the hat, and sew them a little further forward (if they are to far back they dont look right)

Like I said this is the first time ever I am writing a pattern out! And it is for a friend who wanted to make the hat. If you have any questions at all please please please feel free to post a comment and ask and I will help you to the best of my ability!!!

HAPPY CROCHETING!!

**The bottom of the earflaps are done differently in this picture as they are instructed in the pattern. People seem to prefer the braids

Well Everett is taking his glorious afternoon nap so I thought I would write a little blog while the boys were watching their show.

I was recently browsing through some heels online and I figured I would share some. I know this isnt going to be interesting to everyone who reads this blog, but Im gonna do it anyway. Because Im good enough, Im smart enough, and doggone-it people like me!

The first thing is a pair of heels that I could picture myself wearing with anything!! Except maybe a pair of sweatpants, but who knows, I could start a new trend. Rolled up sweat pants and some hot high heels!! I would call it trailer chic!

http://www.punk.com/1370152.html

I think its because they are sparkly!! And the hot pink and black helps too.

I also have been trying to find a swimsuit that is a "pinup" style. I think because you dont have to look like a waif to wear one. Now that Ive had kids, whenever I come within 100 feet of a swimsuit store I break out in hives, sweat profusely, and have a sudden urge to find a large rock and hide under it. So needless to say Ive had the same bathing suit for about four years now. Sad I know.

But I love love love this one! And the fact that its in red makes it even better. I picture myself laying on the beach with my hair pulled back in a cute bandana, sipping on a mint julep and wearing my fire engine red lipstick. In what world this scenario would ever exist who knows, but a girl can dream!

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/retro-halter-swimsuit-one-piece.html

This one is a very close second!

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/sailor-bikini-top.html

Last but not least I have always wanted the "little black dress" but have never been that fond of black clothing. I dont know why, I just dont like it for myself. I feel so bored in it. So I am always looking for something that could replace it. Something with lots of color (or sparkle, since God knows if I was born a man I would have been a drag queen!). So this is one that I found that I love love love

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/dixiefried-paris-dress-pink.html

Well theres Everett, awake and crying....back to reality ;)

Dreams

Sometimes when I have a dream that seems real to me it gives me this sort of "life means more than we know" feeling. I once had a dream where I had traveled to India. While I was there I was traveling through a vast desert of nothingness. It wasnt a brutal desert like you see in the movies. It was more of a cool sort of thing. Not to hot or uncomfortable. I hadnt seen anything for miles and then all of the sudden a scene emerged. I came across what looked like a school. The buildings were all a washed out sort of aqua color, but nothing was elaborate or decorated. It was just the walls with open doorways (no doors) and a light peaceful breeze was blowing through empty concrete like rooms. The whole atmosphere was "breezy". It was like I had arrived at the quietest place on earth. When I came into the area where the building was I noticed three or four yogis sitting on these low to the ground fabric swings. They were all very tall but the yogis sat only an inch or two from the ground in them. They were all in some kind of meditation. All very quiet and still.

The dream never went much further than that, but it was one of those dreams that you feel every emotion and see everything in it like it really is happening, and you wake up feeling like it really did happen. It was a wonderful dream because it was so peaceful. And I have always wanted to somehow get back to that place. Then I started to think that place was in my soul, and although chaos and constant noise may always surround me, I can find that place within my being. When I get overwhelmed sometimes I visualize that scene and I am instantly relaxed.

What reminded me of that dream was a site that I was looking at that was showing indoor swings. Swings that you put in your house or apartment and just sit and relax in them. I wasnt really aware that they existed but now I really want one!!

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/dc/inspiration/inspiration-gallery-indoor-swings-138557

A thought

I am sitting here in a quiet room wondering what to put into this blog entry. I know that writing always makes me feel better and its not very often that I can actually sit down in a quiet space and take the time to do it. So I will just start with things that Ive been thinking about lately.

The other day I was driving the boys to school and a thought occurred to me. It was one of those thoughts that goes in and out quickly, just slow enough that you catch it, but to fast to hold onto the emotion and excitement of it for to long.

Lately I have been thinking about the spiritual part of our lives. I grew up in a church environment and had a lot of scriptures pumped into me. I never questioned anything when I was younger because it was what it was. When I asked a question I got an answer. My mother never answered me in a "I'm not sure" sort of way. I would ask "why is the sky blue" and she would somehow in seconds find a scripture in the bible that would answer the very question I was asking. So I never questioned it because to me it was always my truth.

When I got a little older I started feeling a little complacent with certain "church" related things. I didn't want to hear an answer that had to do with the bible, I was way to lazy to get up and go to church on Sunday, and I started thinking about boys. Then when I got even older, 21 to be exact, my mother passed away. I am not going to be writing about those emotions today, because those emotions could fill a book. But I will say I questioned everything about this "God". Why would he take MY mother, the one who was kind to everyone and followed him with every fiber of her being, and leave other people like rapists and murderers to walk on this earth (some of them until they die of old age). That hardly seemed fair to me, and it hardly seemed like something a loving and caring God would do. So if that was the case he must not exist.

I moved away from her (physically and mentally) and I did what I wanted to do. For the next few years I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Without anyone to tell me to slow down or take it easy. I lived like I was determined to have fun and to beat myself up while I was having it.

But while the years went on, it started to get boring. It got to the point where I felt I was ready to start searching for something more. I had a lot of questions, some of which are still unanswered, and I suspect will probably never be answered. Some of my questions I answered for myself though.

One of these "days" that I had some idea floating around in my head that I couldn't quite get out. I remember I was living in Savannah, and I had dropped a friend off at the airport. I was driving down the highway in my truck and I started to cry. I say cry, but sob would be a little more accurate. I felt so utterly alone in that moment, and in my life. I felt an overwhelming emptiness that I would never want to feel again. At the same moment that emotion flooded my body something else happened. I felt, not physically but almost like an energy, my mothers hand on my right shoulder. It was the brightest, most comforting thing I have ever felt, besides having one of my children next to my heart. It was like a warmth radiated from my arm and into my whole body. I knew, somehow, that it was her telling me I was going to be ok. My entire body relaxed and I felt peace. From that day I knew that my body was my shell and inside was my spirit. I haven't felt my mother again like that, but I haven't felt that same despair either.

So my thought while I was driving the boys to school was this. I thought, what if all this world is, is a sort of test. Are we worthy enough to make it to the next round? Maybe we are here to be the best kind of being we can be, and to be kind and compassionate to the other beings here. And those who don't pass the test don't get to see what all the work was for. But I don't know, maybe they get to try again? It was an interesting

thought.

Confrontation

Guilty pleasures. Im not talking about the kind that get you arrested or pregnant. Im talking about the kind that you have to hide for fear of becoming a social leper. I am going to confess something. I love love love the Real Housewives. I don't know why. Ok thats a lie, I know exactly why! They get to live the lives that most people don't. They have money, some of them have looks, and drama. The money I would like, but only enough to live comfortably, not enough to develop a drug and alcohol problem. The looks are achieved by having money to pay for the expensive makeup that covers up flaws (and sometimes money cant even fix those). But the drama!! Oh the drama! Now wouldn't that be exciting?! I don't know what it is about drama, but most people crave it. I like to say I don't, but in reality I like the kind that doesn't affect me. I like to fantasize about telling someone that I secretly cant stand to be around my true feelings and watch their reaction as they play the unsuspecting victim. So why don't I? Well, I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I would feel great at the moment, but the second I saw some injured look I would do everything to try and comfort the person that I tore down. So what is the difference between them and me (The housewives of course)? Well I am not insecure enough to feel the need to Lord myself over someone else so that I feel bigger.

Have you ever had a friend that constantly walked away from a fight? Did you think, why doesnt that person stand up for themselves? Well that is me. I avoid conflict almost every time it arises. But here is how I feel about it.

I definitely have the "balls" to tell someone how I fell and, most of the time, I will win in an argument (from sheer stubbornness). I do, however, feel that most issues are resolved without someone "winning". If you really think about it, what would be gained from winning a fight?

I will give you an example. Someone, we'll call him Ernie, is having a conflict with someone else, we'll call Burt. Ernie is upset because Burt accidentally tripped him while they were crossing each other on a sidewalk. Now Ernie gets mad at Burt because he wants to play victim and starts saying things like "what the hell man, cant you see Im trying to walk here" Or "dont you watch where youre going?" And if Burt feels verbally attacked he might attack back. Would it solve anything? NO!! It would just make both parties feel like a victim. But, in most cases playing the victim feels great. You now have a reason to feel insecure. You now have someone else to blame all your negative self image issues on. Even if you are not aware thats what youre doing. I could just imagine how each person would think.

Ernie -"I can't believe what a jerk that guy is. Im ALWAYS considerate when I pass someone on the street. He didn't even have the decency to apologize, he just got out of hand. I am right"

Burt_"what an asshole!! I didnt do anything to that guy and he feels the need to attack me. Well Im not gonna take that. I am right"

Is either party really right? They feel within themselves that they are not worth what they really are so they think that everything is a personal attack. "I am overweight and he thinks Im a slob so he did it on purpose" or " I am not as attractive as that younger girl so she got a drink first, well if I were in my twenties again she would never get a drink before me".

When in reality, most people are going about their daily routines not giving you a second thought. Most people arent out to get us. And if they are then why not walk away from them, because secretly they are attacking you to feel better about themselves. So they can be right and you can be wrong, and they win.

I understand that there are instances when you shouldnt back down. When it is necessary to fight back or stand up for something or someone. But most of the time, it just causes drama. Think about when you stub your toe. It hurts, you cuss, you are in a bad mood for the next two hours, all because the thing you stubbed your toe on was out to get you.

Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away and let it roll of your back.

Motivation

Isn't it a nice thought that your butt that has made a permanent impression in the left couch cushion may one day get up and do some real exercise. Not just the daily movements that you convince yourself is exercise. You know when you think "well I have been chasing my kids around all day, and I did have to walk up and down the stairs to the apartment twice today so I'm sure that burned at least 200 calories". Well I don't know why I tell myself that when I want to feel better about not feeling better, but I do. And it never works. As much as I try to trick myself into thinking I can lose weight by eating one less oreo and only two pieces of bacon (instead of half of the pack!) I just can't. When I was twenty one I could go a week without soda, and by only doing that Id lose five pounds. Now If I tried that I guarantee Id gain at least three.

Today I didnt get out of my pjs until around three in the afternoon. Now before you jump to conclusions and start judging me, (because in my mind everyone is secretly judging me) It doesnt happen that often that I leave my pajamas on all day, and if I want I can, so there. But on the other hand, I really dont want to get into a routine of not getting dressed. I made that mistake when Manny was a newborn, and I slowly started to realize that the less I get dressed the more pimples I get on my face. I dont really know what the correlation is, but somehow they're related.

I have been finding it hard to motivate myself to get into shape recently. I do all the things youre supposed to when you want to lose weight and become a healthier person. I bought a workout video, new workout clothes and shoes and made sure I had enough time in my schedule to make it work. So whats the problem?? Well the alarm! Off it goes at six and I swear the only thing I can do is tell myself that five more minutes wont make a difference in the amount of time it takes to work out, shower, dress, get the kids dressed, and make it out the door. Then I wake up again at seven thirty panicking and repeating the mantra "shit, shit shit". I know the cursing is bad, but it does help when you need an outlet for your mental state of panic. So it goes, for about six months, occasionally working out and buying a power bar once a month for breakfast, before deciding that it just wasn't the right program for me after all. Oh look, the YMCA is offering yoga classes for only 30 bucks a session!!

Wine

So Id like to take a few minutes to talk about my recent obsession. Its called boxed wine and it has made my evenings a little more enjoyable. That's not to say that they weren't before (OK they weren't, but that's just because I wasn't relaxing enough). So I recently discovered this "magic elixir" a couple months ago when my sister was in town for a visit. I usually have a glass every other night, but I cant have it to often because of how much it costs me. Jennifer and I did some grocery shopping when she got here, and as I reached for the small fifteen dollar bottle of Pinot Grigio, she stopped me. "No no no Ruth, just get the boxed stuff" she said.

"But its gross" I replied. She then informed me, yes it may be "gross" but its sweet and cheap and you can afford it. She was right, it was gross. But After drinking it for a few nights in a row, I grew to love this horrible factory made, walmart stocked, crisp white. I thought, "its not that bad." Then a few nights later I thought, "Its pretty good." Then a few nights after that i thought "I need something for the knots in my stomach that have me writhing with pain." But then, even fewer nights after that I thought " I can get used to this. I don't really get a buzz, but I'm sure its bad for me, so what the hell". As long as its cheap.

I did enjoy it a little more in small amounts and plus the box I bought three months ago will probably last me till the kids are in college and it was only 13 bucks! So if your feeling in the mood for a nice glass of smooth Pinot Grigio or a warm glass of Pinot Noir, don't go for the boxed stuff. But if your in the mood for something a little closer to Cold Duck but not quite that redneck, try the Franzia Crisp white, curl up on the couch in your favorite moomoo, and turn on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, because you'll still be classier than those dames!!

So Quick

Well its been a while since Ive blogged (I think every blog I write starts out that way). Ben and the boys decided to camp out in the living room tonight, so I was watching tv, with them sleeping on the floor all curled up in sleeping bags, wondering what I was going to do. So I figured Id write a new blog.

We went to Concord today to run a few errands, and picked up a crib for Everett. I decided to set it up and let Ben hang out with the kids.....which was more work?! Not setting up the crib. But as I was putting it together I couldnt help but think about how quickly the last three and a half months have gone. I seems like it was just yesterday that I was feeling those labor pains at five in the morning. Its amazing how quickly it goes. Then on the other hand, when your in the midst of it, living in the chaos of it all, it seems like its never going to stop, and that youre never going to have a quiet moment to yourself again. Now Everett is three and half months, going on four, and its just keeps rushing by. I try to think about that when the walls are closing in on me, but sometimes its hard to enjoy the moment when all you want to do in the moment is rip your hair out. As my hormones even out I am starting to enjoy these early years more and more. I am starting to realize, as Manny is getting ready to start his second year of preschool, that He will never be home with me full time again. Next year will be kindergarten and the year after that he goes to school all day. So Im starting to enjoy the age Everett is right now.

Ive always had a hard time with the boys when they were still in the infant phase. Just because it breaks my heart to hear them cry and not always know how to fix it. But as Manny gets older its starting to slowly sink in that I wont have them forever. Theyre going to grow up and become their own people. So Im kind of hanging on to Everett (which I hear happens with the baby of the bunch) because this will be our last one.

Sopas!!

So did anyone ever have a favorite recipe growing up? Well this was one of mine. It wasnt made very often, probably because of the sheer volume it produces. But it is one that reminds me of youth and family. My mothers family is a close one. She always taught us that it is whats important. She was also a phenomenal cook. Always making something so the whole house filled with the aroma that it produced. Her lasagna is one I will never forget. As was her enchiladas. Who knows how authentic they were in their ethnicity factor, but they were mouthwatering to say the least. So I have been making sopas now every summer right before we take the kids camping. It gives me the chance to make something warm and delicious for my family that is very special. We freeze most of it and take it camping with us. That way it also gives me a new connection to my husbands family. They get to experience a piece of my family, which never happens otherwise because they are so far away from where we are now. So I am going to write about my experience making this beautiful family tradition.

I will start with the shopping experience. The hardest part of this process is the amount of money I spend on seasonings and meat. Every pot made calls for almost a whole jar of allspice. But oh the smell when you put it in the cheesecloth! Its one of the first things that reminds me of how much I love to eat it. The wine is a funny thing.....rose wine. Its one of those things you can only find a TON of, and one of those things that no one actually drinks. Well, my husband will drink anything short of rubbing alcohol. So it doesn't really go to waste in our house. The meat is always the funnest thing to find in the grocery store, because lets face it, who doesnt love holding six pounds of red marbled fatty meat and drooling over how it will make your belly swell to the size of a blue whales! The cabbage is the easiest part. I will say that being part Irish I do love cabbage. Especially when its cooked so long that it falls apart on your fork. And WOOWEE the smell your body produces a few hours after any cabbage dish will clear out a room! The last thing worth mentioning is the french bread. I always feel guilty pushing on each loaf to test its crunchiness. Because the crunchier the bread the better. At least in my opinion.

Now the best part. The making of it. This year I am letting Manny take part in the making of this batch of Sopas. Hes at a great age for really wanting to help and be a part of what I am doing. I probably will not be able to say that in a few years. So I am relishing this time in his life and hopefully giving him some great memories of smoke swirled kitchens and aromas that will make your nose widen and your eyes close.

So Manny and I started by staring over a HUGE empty pot. This was the first time I ever let Manny touch raw meat and I must say it made me flinch a little. He got to put the six plus pounds of chuck roast in the pot and we threw a few soup bones in. I let him pour the salt in nice rounds over the meat. That, for some reason, is one of my favorite things. Salt on meat. I am definitely a salt person. Watching the salt land on the meat literally makes my mouth water. To me their is nothing like a beautiful piece of meat salted to perfection. And in this case when it melts in your mouth. From here we added the wine. I looked the other way while it poured a few seconds longer than its supposed to. When I worked at Churchills we used to serve Northumberland Stew that was made with some kind of wine. It was delicious. Their is a wine and meat smell that is like nothing else. I cant describe it properly, but Im sure most of you know what smell Im talking about. Oh Yes, the smell of deliciousness.

So now its marinating, and I will continue this installment tommorrow (hopefully).

Recently

Its been a while since Ive actually written anything. The kids were so out of control today and it was starting to take its toll on my nerves. I was tired of yelling at them because they were being kids and I was tired, so I turned on some quiet music and we read some books. I havent just sat and listened to nice relaxing music in a looooong time. It is amazing what it can do for your soul. If you get the right kind of music and the right kind of mood it can make you feel whole again and give you peace. So I am now sitting and listening and trying to keep my eyes open. I love it. I got myself out of the blasting noise of the television, the running around trying to do ten things at once, and just was.

I have been feeling a little "at the end of my rope lately". I saw the Dr. for my six week follow up two weeks ago. I was told I had postpartum depression and an anxiety disorder. She offered to put me on something, but its not to the point that I need medication. I would rather feel some emotions rather than turning them off at this point. I dont feel like hurting myself or anyone else, so if I go on medication and turn off the bad emotions I feel like I would miss the really good ones too. Because there is always that moment when your about to break and you just have to smile at the chaos around you, and thats usually where I find some strength. Granted its not that often that it happens, usually I just go to bed frazzled, but on those rare occasions it does you cant replace that feeling with anything else.