Monday, November 22, 2010

A thought

I am sitting here in a quiet room wondering what to put into this blog entry. I know that writing always makes me feel better and its not very often that I can actually sit down in a quiet space and take the time to do it. So I will just start with things that Ive been thinking about lately.
The other day I was driving the boys to school and a thought occurred to me. It was one of those thoughts that goes in and out quickly, just slow enough that you catch it, but to fast to hold onto the emotion and excitement of it for to long.
Lately I have been thinking about the spiritual part of our lives. I grew up in a church environment and had a lot of scriptures pumped into me. I never questioned anything when I was younger because it was what it was. When I asked a question I got an answer. My mother never answered me in a "I'm not sure" sort of way. I would ask "why is the sky blue" and she would somehow in seconds find a scripture in the bible that would answer the very question I was asking. So I never questioned it because to me it was always my truth.
When I got a little older I started feeling a little complacent with certain "church" related things. I didn't want to hear an answer that had to do with the bible, I was way to lazy to get up and go to church on Sunday, and I started thinking about boys. Then when I got even older, 21 to be exact, my mother passed away. I am not going to be writing about those emotions today, because those emotions could fill a book. But I will say I questioned everything about this "God". Why would he take MY mother, the one who was kind to everyone and followed him with every fiber of her being, and leave other people like rapists and murderers to walk on this earth (some of them until they die of old age). That hardly seemed fair to me, and it hardly seemed like something a loving and caring God would do. So if that was the case he must not exist.
I moved away from her (physically and mentally) and I did what I wanted to do. For the next few years I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Without anyone to tell me to slow down or take it easy. I lived like I was determined to have fun and to beat myself up while I was having it.
But while the years went on, it started to get boring. It got to the point where I felt I was ready to start searching for something more. I had a lot of questions, some of which are still unanswered, and I suspect will probably never be answered. Some of my questions I answered for myself though.
One of these "days" that I had some idea floating around in my head that I couldn't quite get out. I remember I was living in Savannah, and I had dropped a friend off at the airport. I was driving down the highway in my truck and I started to cry. I say cry, but sob would be a little more accurate. I felt so utterly alone in that moment, and in my life. I felt an overwhelming emptiness that I would never want to feel again. At the same moment that emotion flooded my body something else happened. I felt, not physically but almost like an energy, my mothers hand on my right shoulder. It was the brightest, most comforting thing I have ever felt, besides having one of my children next to my heart. It was like a warmth radiated from my arm and into my whole body. I knew, somehow, that it was her telling me I was going to be ok. My entire body relaxed and I felt peace. From that day I knew that my body was my shell and inside was my spirit. I haven't felt my mother again like that, but I haven't felt that same despair either.
So my thought while I was driving the boys to school was this. I thought, what if all this world is, is a sort of test. Are we worthy enough to make it to the next round? Maybe we are here to be the best kind of being we can be, and to be kind and compassionate to the other beings here. And those who don't pass the test don't get to see what all the work was for. But I don't know, maybe they get to try again? It was an interesting