Sunday, June 27, 2010

Its been a fewdays

Well its been a week or so since Ive written anything. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. I know I am always writing about the kids, but thats what I have going on in my life right now. The boys are in the bath, Everett is in his swing, and Ben just got home from work. I have my six week appt. tommorrow with the Dr. and am curious about what she has to say. The recovery process from this pregnancy has been much longer and harder than it was with the the two older boys. Im not sure if it has to do with his size or with the fact that I dont have as much time to sit and relax from trying to keep up with the other two.

It hasnt all been sleepless nights and out of control hormones though. Sometimes when Im sitting with Everett, after the Manny and Finn have gone to bed, I just sit and wonder what life will bring in the coming years. I picture Manny at seven, in grade school and Finn starting kindergarten, while Everett is just going into preschool. I picture all of them in High School and wonder what kind of teenagers they will turn into. Maybe Manny will play football (although I picture him more as a kid in art class). Maybe Finnegan will be the one with all the girls calling the house, with those long black eyelashes and those big blue eyes. Maybe Everett will be the athletic one, playing lacrosse or hockey just like his Daddy. Its hard to imagine that and not be filled with hope. Hope that they will be men of character, hope that they will know how to treat others, and hope that I will be around to see them through all of it. That is one of my fears comes from losing my mother, that I will not be around to see them through certain things. Fear that they will never know how unconditionally I love them. Im sure most mothers have some kind of fear like that. But I wont let the fear take me over. I have had issues with anxiety in the past, but I refuse to let that come back in. But I do know that whatever happens in the next few years it will be quite a ride!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Its Quiet

I cant believe its actually quiet in this house! I always have things swirling around in my head that I want to write about, but by the time I can write its loud and I cant think straight. I am going through ups and downs as I try to juggle three kids. I love my kids more than life, but at the moment I am having a hard time seeing the positive in certain situations. For example, Everett has been asleep since seven oclock tonight. I got to give Manny and Finn there baths and read them a bedtime story. I should be very happy about that, but all I can think about is how early Everett will be getting up tommorrow (not including the middle of the night feedings). I usually go to bed as soon as he does because his first stretch of nighttime sleep is the longest. So Im going to miss out on the precious sleep I need to survive. On the other hand I should be thankful for the time I was able to give to the boys tonight. Not just the time but the attention. I enjoyed giving them a bath without having to run to the other room every two minutes to try to comfort Everett (who is the neediest baby by far). Its hard to try and balance everything and still keep my sanity.
I have noticed that women are exceptional at doing a million things and keeping it all together. At least outwardly. I do have moments where I wonder if Im going to lose it, but Im sure everyone does. The sad thing about that is my family suffers when that happens. But I suppose theyre the most forgiving of my bad behavior. As I am of theirs. They are the ones who will always love me and see past my imperfections and faults. Its a wonderful thing to have that. I know that not everyone does. I was always taught that family is one of the most important things on this earth, and after losing family I try to remind myself of that when I am at my weakest emotionally.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Today was beautiful out. The boys and I went to the playground and then shoe shopping this morning. which is crazy because having three under five is a little hectic! Some days I cant believe I even brush my teeth, let alone get myself and three boys dressed and out the door. We came back to campus, played in the gym, had lunch with Ben and then went for a long walk and stopped by the river park after. What a long day! But I feel so much better when I get out of the house. Ive always had a tendency to lock myself away for long periods of time and pretend like the rest of the world doesn't exist. its such an easy habit to get into, especially when you have small children and every part of your body is exhausted. i have had days where i don't get out of my pajamas. But that always leads to a small amount of depression. that is why winter here in the northeast is so hard for me. i am inside all the time and the sun never shines. but it does make me appreciate the summer so much more. So when i start getting out, like i did today, it changes my whole attitude. I feel better, im happier, and my kids are happier because of it. Its amazing how much the sun does for you!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I have about three hours before Ben goes to work today. Our weekend is over. It's so nice to have him home. I can eat warm food, take a shower, do my hair, go to the bathroom with the door closed! I love my children more than anything, but we all need a little quiet time. With the birth of Everett it's just become a litttle more challenging. But also with his birth I've been able to see just how sweet and loving my boys are. Manny is always trying to sing Everett lullabies and talks to him about all the things they'll do together when he grows up. Finnegan is always trying to kiss him and gets upset if he's crying. I don't know why I was blessed with such wonderful children but I'll take em! They have their moments when their horns come out, but it's not that often. So now I just have to figure out how to get them all out of the house by myself. The fact that the sun has been hiding for a week doesn't help! We need vitamin D!!

Friday, June 11, 2010

I am fighting a serious urge to smoke right now! It has taken everything in me to resist! I know smoking is bad for you and it's disgusting. Your clothes stink, your hair reeks, and your breath is smelly enough to put a large clydesdale into a coma! But if you've ever been a smoker you you know how powerful a nicotine fit can be. For nine months I hardly thought about it, except when I would see it in a movie or smell it on the street, but now I am having issues. I'm pretty sure it's a mental know, I'm not hurting anyone but myself now. My fear is that the first time I go out for a drink or when I'm around friends that still smoke I won't be able to control myself. The other thing I have going against me is that it was always the only kid free quiet time I had. If you have kids you know how great that is, even if it's just ten minutes alone. So wish me luck....I will be trying very hard this summer to stay away from them!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

3 first blog. I figured now was a good time to start. My third son is three weeks old, i'm running on three hours of sleep, and I'm pretty sure I have only three brain cells left in my head at this point. So far three has been a blur, just like two and one were....who knew. The only difference is this time around I yell a lot more! But in my defense my children are hard of hearing, just like everyone elses, I'm sure. So I will keep my first blog short since I'm writing this while laying in bed knowing that my beautiful perfect child will wake me up screaming for food and a clean diaper in two hours and I, of course, will do whatever he asks of me, because I am, for at least the next THREE months, a willing servant. After all, someone did it for me,