A thought

I am sitting here in a quiet room wondering what to put into this blog entry. I know that writing always makes me feel better and its not very often that I can actually sit down in a quiet space and take the time to do it. So I will just start with things that Ive been thinking about lately.

The other day I was driving the boys to school and a thought occurred to me. It was one of those thoughts that goes in and out quickly, just slow enough that you catch it, but to fast to hold onto the emotion and excitement of it for to long.

Lately I have been thinking about the spiritual part of our lives. I grew up in a church environment and had a lot of scriptures pumped into me. I never questioned anything when I was younger because it was what it was. When I asked a question I got an answer. My mother never answered me in a "I'm not sure" sort of way. I would ask "why is the sky blue" and she would somehow in seconds find a scripture in the bible that would answer the very question I was asking. So I never questioned it because to me it was always my truth.

When I got a little older I started feeling a little complacent with certain "church" related things. I didn't want to hear an answer that had to do with the bible, I was way to lazy to get up and go to church on Sunday, and I started thinking about boys. Then when I got even older, 21 to be exact, my mother passed away. I am not going to be writing about those emotions today, because those emotions could fill a book. But I will say I questioned everything about this "God". Why would he take MY mother, the one who was kind to everyone and followed him with every fiber of her being, and leave other people like rapists and murderers to walk on this earth (some of them until they die of old age). That hardly seemed fair to me, and it hardly seemed like something a loving and caring God would do. So if that was the case he must not exist.

I moved away from her (physically and mentally) and I did what I wanted to do. For the next few years I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Without anyone to tell me to slow down or take it easy. I lived like I was determined to have fun and to beat myself up while I was having it.

But while the years went on, it started to get boring. It got to the point where I felt I was ready to start searching for something more. I had a lot of questions, some of which are still unanswered, and I suspect will probably never be answered. Some of my questions I answered for myself though.

One of these "days" that I had some idea floating around in my head that I couldn't quite get out. I remember I was living in Savannah, and I had dropped a friend off at the airport. I was driving down the highway in my truck and I started to cry. I say cry, but sob would be a little more accurate. I felt so utterly alone in that moment, and in my life. I felt an overwhelming emptiness that I would never want to feel again. At the same moment that emotion flooded my body something else happened. I felt, not physically but almost like an energy, my mothers hand on my right shoulder. It was the brightest, most comforting thing I have ever felt, besides having one of my children next to my heart. It was like a warmth radiated from my arm and into my whole body. I knew, somehow, that it was her telling me I was going to be ok. My entire body relaxed and I felt peace. From that day I knew that my body was my shell and inside was my spirit. I haven't felt my mother again like that, but I haven't felt that same despair either.

So my thought while I was driving the boys to school was this. I thought, what if all this world is, is a sort of test. Are we worthy enough to make it to the next round? Maybe we are here to be the best kind of being we can be, and to be kind and compassionate to the other beings here. And those who don't pass the test don't get to see what all the work was for. But I don't know, maybe they get to try again? It was an interesting

thought.

Confrontation

Guilty pleasures. Im not talking about the kind that get you arrested or pregnant. Im talking about the kind that you have to hide for fear of becoming a social leper. I am going to confess something. I love love love the Real Housewives. I don't know why. Ok thats a lie, I know exactly why! They get to live the lives that most people don't. They have money, some of them have looks, and drama. The money I would like, but only enough to live comfortably, not enough to develop a drug and alcohol problem. The looks are achieved by having money to pay for the expensive makeup that covers up flaws (and sometimes money cant even fix those). But the drama!! Oh the drama! Now wouldn't that be exciting?! I don't know what it is about drama, but most people crave it. I like to say I don't, but in reality I like the kind that doesn't affect me. I like to fantasize about telling someone that I secretly cant stand to be around my true feelings and watch their reaction as they play the unsuspecting victim. So why don't I? Well, I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I would feel great at the moment, but the second I saw some injured look I would do everything to try and comfort the person that I tore down. So what is the difference between them and me (The housewives of course)? Well I am not insecure enough to feel the need to Lord myself over someone else so that I feel bigger.

Have you ever had a friend that constantly walked away from a fight? Did you think, why doesnt that person stand up for themselves? Well that is me. I avoid conflict almost every time it arises. But here is how I feel about it.

I definitely have the "balls" to tell someone how I fell and, most of the time, I will win in an argument (from sheer stubbornness). I do, however, feel that most issues are resolved without someone "winning". If you really think about it, what would be gained from winning a fight?

I will give you an example. Someone, we'll call him Ernie, is having a conflict with someone else, we'll call Burt. Ernie is upset because Burt accidentally tripped him while they were crossing each other on a sidewalk. Now Ernie gets mad at Burt because he wants to play victim and starts saying things like "what the hell man, cant you see Im trying to walk here" Or "dont you watch where youre going?" And if Burt feels verbally attacked he might attack back. Would it solve anything? NO!! It would just make both parties feel like a victim. But, in most cases playing the victim feels great. You now have a reason to feel insecure. You now have someone else to blame all your negative self image issues on. Even if you are not aware thats what youre doing. I could just imagine how each person would think.

Ernie -"I can't believe what a jerk that guy is. Im ALWAYS considerate when I pass someone on the street. He didn't even have the decency to apologize, he just got out of hand. I am right"

Burt_"what an asshole!! I didnt do anything to that guy and he feels the need to attack me. Well Im not gonna take that. I am right"

Is either party really right? They feel within themselves that they are not worth what they really are so they think that everything is a personal attack. "I am overweight and he thinks Im a slob so he did it on purpose" or " I am not as attractive as that younger girl so she got a drink first, well if I were in my twenties again she would never get a drink before me".

When in reality, most people are going about their daily routines not giving you a second thought. Most people arent out to get us. And if they are then why not walk away from them, because secretly they are attacking you to feel better about themselves. So they can be right and you can be wrong, and they win.

I understand that there are instances when you shouldnt back down. When it is necessary to fight back or stand up for something or someone. But most of the time, it just causes drama. Think about when you stub your toe. It hurts, you cuss, you are in a bad mood for the next two hours, all because the thing you stubbed your toe on was out to get you.

Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away and let it roll of your back.

Motivation

Isn't it a nice thought that your butt that has made a permanent impression in the left couch cushion may one day get up and do some real exercise. Not just the daily movements that you convince yourself is exercise. You know when you think "well I have been chasing my kids around all day, and I did have to walk up and down the stairs to the apartment twice today so I'm sure that burned at least 200 calories". Well I don't know why I tell myself that when I want to feel better about not feeling better, but I do. And it never works. As much as I try to trick myself into thinking I can lose weight by eating one less oreo and only two pieces of bacon (instead of half of the pack!) I just can't. When I was twenty one I could go a week without soda, and by only doing that Id lose five pounds. Now If I tried that I guarantee Id gain at least three.

Today I didnt get out of my pjs until around three in the afternoon. Now before you jump to conclusions and start judging me, (because in my mind everyone is secretly judging me) It doesnt happen that often that I leave my pajamas on all day, and if I want I can, so there. But on the other hand, I really dont want to get into a routine of not getting dressed. I made that mistake when Manny was a newborn, and I slowly started to realize that the less I get dressed the more pimples I get on my face. I dont really know what the correlation is, but somehow they're related.

I have been finding it hard to motivate myself to get into shape recently. I do all the things youre supposed to when you want to lose weight and become a healthier person. I bought a workout video, new workout clothes and shoes and made sure I had enough time in my schedule to make it work. So whats the problem?? Well the alarm! Off it goes at six and I swear the only thing I can do is tell myself that five more minutes wont make a difference in the amount of time it takes to work out, shower, dress, get the kids dressed, and make it out the door. Then I wake up again at seven thirty panicking and repeating the mantra "shit, shit shit". I know the cursing is bad, but it does help when you need an outlet for your mental state of panic. So it goes, for about six months, occasionally working out and buying a power bar once a month for breakfast, before deciding that it just wasn't the right program for me after all. Oh look, the YMCA is offering yoga classes for only 30 bucks a session!!

Wine

So Id like to take a few minutes to talk about my recent obsession. Its called boxed wine and it has made my evenings a little more enjoyable. That's not to say that they weren't before (OK they weren't, but that's just because I wasn't relaxing enough). So I recently discovered this "magic elixir" a couple months ago when my sister was in town for a visit. I usually have a glass every other night, but I cant have it to often because of how much it costs me. Jennifer and I did some grocery shopping when she got here, and as I reached for the small fifteen dollar bottle of Pinot Grigio, she stopped me. "No no no Ruth, just get the boxed stuff" she said.

"But its gross" I replied. She then informed me, yes it may be "gross" but its sweet and cheap and you can afford it. She was right, it was gross. But After drinking it for a few nights in a row, I grew to love this horrible factory made, walmart stocked, crisp white. I thought, "its not that bad." Then a few nights later I thought, "Its pretty good." Then a few nights after that i thought "I need something for the knots in my stomach that have me writhing with pain." But then, even fewer nights after that I thought " I can get used to this. I don't really get a buzz, but I'm sure its bad for me, so what the hell". As long as its cheap.

I did enjoy it a little more in small amounts and plus the box I bought three months ago will probably last me till the kids are in college and it was only 13 bucks! So if your feeling in the mood for a nice glass of smooth Pinot Grigio or a warm glass of Pinot Noir, don't go for the boxed stuff. But if your in the mood for something a little closer to Cold Duck but not quite that redneck, try the Franzia Crisp white, curl up on the couch in your favorite moomoo, and turn on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, because you'll still be classier than those dames!!

So Quick

Well its been a while since Ive blogged (I think every blog I write starts out that way). Ben and the boys decided to camp out in the living room tonight, so I was watching tv, with them sleeping on the floor all curled up in sleeping bags, wondering what I was going to do. So I figured Id write a new blog.

We went to Concord today to run a few errands, and picked up a crib for Everett. I decided to set it up and let Ben hang out with the kids.....which was more work?! Not setting up the crib. But as I was putting it together I couldnt help but think about how quickly the last three and a half months have gone. I seems like it was just yesterday that I was feeling those labor pains at five in the morning. Its amazing how quickly it goes. Then on the other hand, when your in the midst of it, living in the chaos of it all, it seems like its never going to stop, and that youre never going to have a quiet moment to yourself again. Now Everett is three and half months, going on four, and its just keeps rushing by. I try to think about that when the walls are closing in on me, but sometimes its hard to enjoy the moment when all you want to do in the moment is rip your hair out. As my hormones even out I am starting to enjoy these early years more and more. I am starting to realize, as Manny is getting ready to start his second year of preschool, that He will never be home with me full time again. Next year will be kindergarten and the year after that he goes to school all day. So Im starting to enjoy the age Everett is right now.

Ive always had a hard time with the boys when they were still in the infant phase. Just because it breaks my heart to hear them cry and not always know how to fix it. But as Manny gets older its starting to slowly sink in that I wont have them forever. Theyre going to grow up and become their own people. So Im kind of hanging on to Everett (which I hear happens with the baby of the bunch) because this will be our last one.

Sopas!!

So did anyone ever have a favorite recipe growing up? Well this was one of mine. It wasnt made very often, probably because of the sheer volume it produces. But it is one that reminds me of youth and family. My mothers family is a close one. She always taught us that it is whats important. She was also a phenomenal cook. Always making something so the whole house filled with the aroma that it produced. Her lasagna is one I will never forget. As was her enchiladas. Who knows how authentic they were in their ethnicity factor, but they were mouthwatering to say the least. So I have been making sopas now every summer right before we take the kids camping. It gives me the chance to make something warm and delicious for my family that is very special. We freeze most of it and take it camping with us. That way it also gives me a new connection to my husbands family. They get to experience a piece of my family, which never happens otherwise because they are so far away from where we are now. So I am going to write about my experience making this beautiful family tradition.

I will start with the shopping experience. The hardest part of this process is the amount of money I spend on seasonings and meat. Every pot made calls for almost a whole jar of allspice. But oh the smell when you put it in the cheesecloth! Its one of the first things that reminds me of how much I love to eat it. The wine is a funny thing.....rose wine. Its one of those things you can only find a TON of, and one of those things that no one actually drinks. Well, my husband will drink anything short of rubbing alcohol. So it doesn't really go to waste in our house. The meat is always the funnest thing to find in the grocery store, because lets face it, who doesnt love holding six pounds of red marbled fatty meat and drooling over how it will make your belly swell to the size of a blue whales! The cabbage is the easiest part. I will say that being part Irish I do love cabbage. Especially when its cooked so long that it falls apart on your fork. And WOOWEE the smell your body produces a few hours after any cabbage dish will clear out a room! The last thing worth mentioning is the french bread. I always feel guilty pushing on each loaf to test its crunchiness. Because the crunchier the bread the better. At least in my opinion.

Now the best part. The making of it. This year I am letting Manny take part in the making of this batch of Sopas. Hes at a great age for really wanting to help and be a part of what I am doing. I probably will not be able to say that in a few years. So I am relishing this time in his life and hopefully giving him some great memories of smoke swirled kitchens and aromas that will make your nose widen and your eyes close.

So Manny and I started by staring over a HUGE empty pot. This was the first time I ever let Manny touch raw meat and I must say it made me flinch a little. He got to put the six plus pounds of chuck roast in the pot and we threw a few soup bones in. I let him pour the salt in nice rounds over the meat. That, for some reason, is one of my favorite things. Salt on meat. I am definitely a salt person. Watching the salt land on the meat literally makes my mouth water. To me their is nothing like a beautiful piece of meat salted to perfection. And in this case when it melts in your mouth. From here we added the wine. I looked the other way while it poured a few seconds longer than its supposed to. When I worked at Churchills we used to serve Northumberland Stew that was made with some kind of wine. It was delicious. Their is a wine and meat smell that is like nothing else. I cant describe it properly, but Im sure most of you know what smell Im talking about. Oh Yes, the smell of deliciousness.

So now its marinating, and I will continue this installment tommorrow (hopefully).

Recently

Its been a while since Ive actually written anything. The kids were so out of control today and it was starting to take its toll on my nerves. I was tired of yelling at them because they were being kids and I was tired, so I turned on some quiet music and we read some books. I havent just sat and listened to nice relaxing music in a looooong time. It is amazing what it can do for your soul. If you get the right kind of music and the right kind of mood it can make you feel whole again and give you peace. So I am now sitting and listening and trying to keep my eyes open. I love it. I got myself out of the blasting noise of the television, the running around trying to do ten things at once, and just was.

I have been feeling a little "at the end of my rope lately". I saw the Dr. for my six week follow up two weeks ago. I was told I had postpartum depression and an anxiety disorder. She offered to put me on something, but its not to the point that I need medication. I would rather feel some emotions rather than turning them off at this point. I dont feel like hurting myself or anyone else, so if I go on medication and turn off the bad emotions I feel like I would miss the really good ones too. Because there is always that moment when your about to break and you just have to smile at the chaos around you, and thats usually where I find some strength. Granted its not that often that it happens, usually I just go to bed frazzled, but on those rare occasions it does you cant replace that feeling with anything else.

Its been a fewdays

Well its been a week or so since Ive written anything. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. I know I am always writing about the kids, but thats what I have going on in my life right now. The boys are in the bath, Everett is in his swing, and Ben just got home from work. I have my six week appt. tommorrow with the Dr. and am curious about what she has to say. The recovery process from this pregnancy has been much longer and harder than it was with the the two older boys. Im not sure if it has to do with his size or with the fact that I dont have as much time to sit and relax from trying to keep up with the other two.

It hasnt all been sleepless nights and out of control hormones though. Sometimes when Im sitting with Everett, after the Manny and Finn have gone to bed, I just sit and wonder what life will bring in the coming years. I picture Manny at seven, in grade school and Finn starting kindergarten, while Everett is just going into preschool. I picture all of them in High School and wonder what kind of teenagers they will turn into. Maybe Manny will play football (although I picture him more as a kid in art class). Maybe Finnegan will be the one with all the girls calling the house, with those long black eyelashes and those big blue eyes. Maybe Everett will be the athletic one, playing lacrosse or hockey just like his Daddy. Its hard to imagine that and not be filled with hope. Hope that they will be men of character, hope that they will know how to treat others, and hope that I will be around to see them through all of it. That is one of my fears comes from losing my mother, that I will not be around to see them through certain things. Fear that they will never know how unconditionally I love them. Im sure most mothers have some kind of fear like that. But I wont let the fear take me over. I have had issues with anxiety in the past, but I refuse to let that come back in. But I do know that whatever happens in the next few years it will be quite a ride!

Its Quiet

I cant believe its actually quiet in this house! I always have things swirling around in my head that I want to write about, but by the time I can write its loud and I cant think straight. I am going through ups and downs as I try to juggle three kids. I love my kids more than life, but at the moment I am having a hard time seeing the positive in certain situations. For example, Everett has been asleep since seven oclock tonight. I got to give Manny and Finn there baths and read them a bedtime story. I should be very happy about that, but all I can think about is how early Everett will be getting up tommorrow (not including the middle of the night feedings). I usually go to bed as soon as he does because his first stretch of nighttime sleep is the longest. So Im going to miss out on the precious sleep I need to survive. On the other hand I should be thankful for the time I was able to give to the boys tonight. Not just the time but the attention. I enjoyed giving them a bath without having to run to the other room every two minutes to try to comfort Everett (who is the neediest baby by far). Its hard to try and balance everything and still keep my sanity.
I have noticed that women are exceptional at doing a million things and keeping it all together. At least outwardly. I do have moments where I wonder if Im going to lose it, but Im sure everyone does. The sad thing about that is my family suffers when that happens. But I suppose theyre the most forgiving of my bad behavior. As I am of theirs. They are the ones who will always love me and see past my imperfections and faults. Its a wonderful thing to have that. I know that not everyone does. I was always taught that family is one of the most important things on this earth, and after losing family I try to remind myself of that when I am at my weakest emotionally.

Today was beautiful out. The boys and I went to the playground and then shoe shopping this morning. which is crazy because having three under five is a little hectic! Some days I cant believe I even brush my teeth, let alone get myself and three boys dressed and out the door. We came back to campus, played in the gym, had lunch with Ben and then went for a long walk and stopped by the river park after. What a long day! But I feel so much better when I get out of the house. Ive always had a tendency to lock myself away for long periods of time and pretend like the rest of the world doesn't exist. its such an easy habit to get into, especially when you have small children and every part of your body is exhausted. i have had days where i don't get out of my pajamas. But that always leads to a small amount of depression. that is why winter here in the northeast is so hard for me. i am inside all the time and the sun never shines. but it does make me appreciate the summer so much more. So when i start getting out, like i did today, it changes my whole attitude. I feel better, im happier, and my kids are happier because of it. Its amazing how much the sun does for you!

I have about three hours before Ben goes to work today. Our weekend is over. It's so nice to have him home. I can eat warm food, take a shower, do my hair, go to the bathroom with the door closed! I love my children more than anything, but we all need a little quiet time. With the birth of Everett it's just become a litttle more challenging. But also with his birth I've been able to see just how sweet and loving my boys are. Manny is always trying to sing Everett lullabies and talks to him about all the things they'll do together when he grows up. Finnegan is always trying to kiss him and gets upset if he's crying. I don't know why I was blessed with such wonderful children but I'll take em! They have their moments when their horns come out, but it's not that often. So now I just have to figure out how to get them all out of the house by myself. The fact that the sun has been hiding for a week doesn't help! We need vitamin D!!

I am fighting a serious urge to smoke right now! It has taken everything in me to resist! I know smoking is bad for you and it's disgusting. Your clothes stink, your hair reeks, and your breath is smelly enough to put a large clydesdale into a coma! But if you've ever been a smoker you you know how powerful a nicotine fit can be. For nine months I hardly thought about it, except when I would see it in a movie or smell it on the street, but now I am having issues. I'm pretty sure it's a mental thing...you know, I'm not hurting anyone but myself now. My fear is that the first time I go out for a drink or when I'm around friends that still smoke I won't be able to control myself. The other thing I have going against me is that it was always the only kid free quiet time I had. If you have kids you know how great that is, even if it's just ten minutes alone. So wish me luck....I will be trying very hard this summer to stay away from them!

3

ok.....my first blog. I figured now was a good time to start. My third son is three weeks old, i'm running on three hours of sleep, and I'm pretty sure I have only three brain cells left in my head at this point. So far three has been a blur, just like two and one were....who knew. The only difference is this time around I yell a lot more! But in my defense my children are hard of hearing, just like everyone elses, I'm sure. So I will keep my first blog short since I'm writing this while laying in bed knowing that my beautiful perfect child will wake me up screaming for food and a clean diaper in two hours and I, of course, will do whatever he asks of me, because I am, for at least the next THREE months, a willing servant. After all, someone did it for me,